The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
