I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
