One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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