i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
