It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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