...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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