I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
