I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
