Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
