I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
