He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize