she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
