new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
