i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
