She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
