Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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