I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
