I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
