i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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