No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I wish there were birth control emojis
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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