She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
