it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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