so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
