I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Can you bring me the toilet please
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
