69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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