I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
