at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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