I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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