Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
