There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize