I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
