Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
