my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So vagazzling was a success
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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