Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
