Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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