Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
