i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
