It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
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