All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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