Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
