Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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