If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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