I'm going to jail i love you
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
