I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
