there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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