You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
