Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
