last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I would ride that face into the sunset
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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