If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
