i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
