bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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