If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
