I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
