I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
