Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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