If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm like, not good at living.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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