I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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