I skipped work to stalk him.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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