I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
